There is a raging battle that I fight on a daily basis. At times it is a subtle undercover fight, and other times it is a blatant onslaught, but for as long as I can remember, this battle has threatened to destroy the very essence of who I am. Some might just see it as the Battle of the Bulge, but those who are willing to look closer will find that the winner of this war gains the right to dictate what I believe about myself.

I have always struggled with my weight. I never was one of those girls who could overindulge and not pay for it the next time I stepped on a scale. Coupled with my love for all things carb, my weight has been an issue that I have dealt with since I was in elementary school. I am not sure when it exactly happened, but at some point I came to believe that if I was thin, I would be loved and accepted and happy, and I was willing to do anything to obtain that goal. I have been on every crash diet, worked out with the trainer of the Dallas Cowboys’ Cheerleaders, tried pills and programs, refused to eat, and read every book about how to trick my body into thinness, but all to no avail. My weight has risen and fallen like a stock market reading. Even at my skinniest, there was still a part of me that desperately wanted to be smaller. Because I saw myself as falling short, I thought everyone else judged me for my imperfections as well. I can’t tell you how many things I have missed out on and relationships that I have neglected because I was too scared of being looked down on for how I looked. Because of this mindset, planning my wedding was the most difficult thing that I have ever done. Every time I thought about everyone looking at me as I walked down the aisle, I wanted to call the whole thing off. I can’t tell you how many times I stood before the mirror in my wedding dress and just cried.

It is amazing to me how we, as women, get to this point. Through my work, I have talked to countless girls, of all ages and sizes, who are so unhappy about what they see in the mirror. They have bought into the same lie that was whispered to my heart so long ago, the lie that says “you will never be ____ enough”. All of us have our own areas that fill in the blank, but no matter what our battlefield is, every one of the lies are linked to some belief about who we are on a core level. Don’t get me wrong, I would love to shed a few pounds, but it is a lie to think that if I wore a smaller size, I would always be happy and everything in my life would be wonderful. It is also a lie that I can’t be happy until I am thin. Until I am willing to look myself square in the eye and embrace who I am created to be, I will forever be stuck in a losing battle. Some days, I am strong and able to see the beauty of who I am right at that moment, and other days I have to struggle to hold my ground, but either way, I am victorious in the fight because I recognize that my shape has nothing to do with my ability to see myself as valuable.

This weekend, I am going to ask you to do something a little different. Find some time when you can sneak off alone. Stand in front of the biggest mirror in your house and take a REAL look. Be brave, and as you study the intricate details of the woman who is looking back at you, listen to her tell you the longings of her heart. Are you willing to recognize the beauty and value that stares back at you?

photo istockphoto.com

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